


trust me, you don't want to know what happened last night

by luceat_lux_vestra



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-10
Updated: 2013-11-10
Packaged: 2018-01-01 00:49:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1038362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luceat_lux_vestra/pseuds/luceat_lux_vestra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>These are the morning-after texts from a time-displaced super soldier, a mild-mannered scientist with a green rage monster temper, a pair of deadly assassins, a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist and his trusty CEO, plus two pseudo-incestuous Asgardian gods. Also cameo appearances by a certain eye-patch wearing leader of a shadow organization and his right-hand woman, as well as an Academy Award-winning actress known for her ageless appearance, androgyny, and quirky performance art shenanigans (if you squint closer and read between the lines).</p><p>Mostly Thorki and Stony, and everything else in between.</p><p>This is just crack. Pure crack.</p><p>You have all been warned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	trust me, you don't want to know what happened last night

**Author's Note:**

> "Hey, so I got a question:  
> Do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement?  
> Do I make your heart beat like an 808 drum?  
> Is my love your drug?"
> 
> \- "Your Love Is My Drug", Ke$ha

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

I am awake with approximately 69 dildos of varying shapes and sizes in my bed and on the surrounding floor. Oh, and an empty bottle of absinthe on the pillow. Explanation?

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

YOU SAID THEY WERE YOUR NEW MINIONS OF EVIL THAT PROTECTED YOU FROM THE CHITAURI

 

 

*

 

From: Steve Rogers

To: Bruce Banner

 

What is it with you science enthusiasts? Last night, Tony told me that he wanted to know if his gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that his initial evidence had been inconclusive. So apparently for the next few weeks, I’m a fellatio guinea pig. I mean… not that I’m complaining.

 

 

*

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Thor Odinson

 

So let me get this straight: you high-fived me for banging your slutty frost-giant brother but you smashed all my suits because I ate your stash of Pop-Tarts?! Priorities, Thor.

 

 

*

 

From: Natasha Romanoff

To: Clint Barton

 

Why did I make a hit list last night containing only McDonald’s?

 

From: Clint Barton

To: Natasha Romanoff

 

You tried to order a margarita McFlurry after we all went clubbing and when they said they didn’t make those, well… let’s just say I prevented you from waking up Fury at 4 A.M. in the morning and requesting an immediate drone strike.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

BY OUR FATHER’S BEARD WHY THE HEL IS MY BAR TAB 500 MIDGARDIAN DOLLARS BROTHER?!

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

It was Dollar Beer Night last night, you idiot.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Steve Rogers

 

I want you to fuck me on the side of the bed tonight.

 

From: Steve Rogers

To: Tony Stark

 

TONY! Don’t say it like that!

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Steve Rogers

 

I’m sorry, Cap. I want you to violently penetrate me on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. Please.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

LOL MAN OF IRON I AM SOOOOOOOOOO DRUNK

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

Thor. This is Loki.

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

I CANNOT WAIT TO THRUST MY OTHER HAMMER INTO YOUR ASS

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

Be here within the hour. And don’t you dare travel via Mjolnir drunk because I am NOT going to face Mother and explain to her what happened last time.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Pepper Potts

 

So after Steve passed out from having marathon sex with me last night, I removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books, wartime posters, vintage appliances, and had JARVIS hologram the room and windows. S2G Pep, I had him convinced he’d fucked himself backward in time LOL.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

BROTHER MINE WHY ARE THERE FISH SHAPED POP TARTS ALL OVER MY BED?

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

You decided you wanted to make fish out of Pop-Tarts and keep them as pets. And they all have names.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Clint Barton

To: Natasha Romanoff

 

Nat OMG Fury just said, “No evildoers doing crazy shit for today. Go get stoned, y’all.” And I swear to God, Maria Hill just walked over to Fury and HUGGED HIM.

 

 

*

 

 

To: Tony Stark

From: Pepper Potts

 

So apparently Natasha drunk dialed me and left her phone open the whole time and the best part of that was when I heard her say to Clint, “Not on my face, not on my face.” Then she went apeshit and kept screaming, “I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!” Guess someone’s gonna be MIA on Avengers field work for a while.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

HEYYYYYYYYY BABY BROTHER OF MIIIIINE R U BZ?

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

Why hello, Drunk Thor. This is Sober Loki. I’ll tell Drunk Loki that you, what the pathetic Midgardians say, booty called. He will probably be available tomorrow night to take you up on that offer.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Steve Rogers

To: Tony Stark

 

I don’t know how to say this, but… you got off, kissed my penis and whispered “Stay hard” to it, went to the bathroom to throw up, and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

I AM HORNY BROTHER MINE!

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

I am hungry…

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

…for your DICK. ;-)

 

 

*

 

 

From: Bruce Banner

To: Pepper Potts; Steve Rogers

 

Tony just told everyone in the R&D department of Stark Industries that I have a huge dick even if I’m not as… the Other Guy. Can you please tell him not to set me up that way because I really feel uncomfortable with everyone just looking at me with these crazy sex eyes.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Pepper Potts

 

I officially have the hottest boyfriend. EVER. So Steve walks into the kitchen and Loki just screamed to Thor, “FUCK HIM, OR I WILL!”

 

 

*

 

 

From: Clint Barton

To: Tony Stark

 

So Nat said, “Lay the fuck down and I’ll show you how it’s done. I’ll get us both off!” And she did. Best words ever said before sex and after drinking that special blend you gave me. So yeah, I need more of that stuff, man. Thanks!

 

 

*

 

 

From: Steve Rogers

To: Pepper Potts

 

Uhm, did you and Tony watch “Finding Nemo” for your movie night yesterday?

 

From: Pepper Potts

To: Steve Rogers

 

Yes. Why?

 

From: Steve Rogers

To: Pepper Potts

 

Because when we had sex after he got home drunk from your time together, he rubbed the head of my penis and said, “I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy.”

 

From: Pepper Potts

To: Steve Rogers

                     

Well, just be thankful we didn’t end up watching “Full Metal Jacket” then.

 

From: Steve Rogers

To: Pepper Potts

 

Huh. Point taken.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

I LOVE MIDGARD! MORTALS HERE ALLOW ME TO BED THEM BECAUSE THEY SIMPLY LOVE MY HAMMER. THE OTHER ONE THAT YOU KNOW AND LOVE SO WELL, OF COURSE. I MAY NOT GO BACK HOME.

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

Fandral just asked me if I wanted him to fuck me now that you’re not around. I said “Yes.”

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

TRAITOR! HE DARES TOUCH WHAT IS MINE?! I’M COMING BACK HOME THIS INSTANT!

 

 

*

 

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Pepper Potts; James “Rhodey” Rhodes

 

So I just got fucked by three Marines AND Captain America. How did you celebrate Veterans Day?

 

 

*

 

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Bruce Banner

 

Fuck me if I remember, but according to JARVIS, the living room got totaled and you squeezed yourself into a dumpster in New Jersey as the Other Guy and said, “Hulk is smashed.”

 

 

*

 

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

You started crying like a pathetic mortal because you missed dancing in the rain as a child, so I turned on the shower while you were drunk and let you jump around in it.

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

YOU’RE THE BEST BROTHER AND LOVER EVER!

 

 

*

 

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

Walk of Shame Time yet, oh mischievous one?

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Tony Stark

 

Excuse me?! He’s a 6’5” muscular blond god of lightning with a rather impressive manhood that can destroy millions of mortal arses like yours, while I am a ridiculously handsome master of unparalleled illusions with a silver tongue that can do more than just talk dirty. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

…He’s your brother.

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Tony Stark

 

And again, I ask you—what shame am I _supposed_ to be feeling?

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

Never mind.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Clint Barton

To: Natasha Romanoff

 

Congratulations! This text entitles you to a blowjob to me. Redeem this text now to get your blowjob.

 

From: Natasha Romanoff

To: Clint Barton

 

Shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Pepper Potts

 

OMG those two Norse gods we know and love are so fucking slutty that we had to play “Rarely Have I Ever” instead. FML.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Natasha Romanoff

To: Pepper Potts

 

I think I get why guys love boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it’s fun! My boobs feel so soft and squishy on my face. Seriously, you should try it.

 

From: Pepper Potts

To: Natasha Romanoff

 

You’ve been drinking that 100 proof Russian vodka again, didn’t you?

 

From: Natasha Romanoff

To: Pepper Potts

 

I plead the fifth.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

Dearest brother, would you like to blur the lines between brotherhood and carnal relations with me again?

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

ALWAYS, BROTHER MINE!

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

Well tough luck because that’s not going to happen tonight as I have a date with your secret hoard of Pop-Tarts. KTHXBAI!

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

LOKI NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY POP TARTS!

 

 

*

 

 

From: Bruce Banner

To: Tony Stark

 

Ugh. Just woke up naked in a pile of destroyed beanbag chairs inside a Wal-Mart somewhere. Don’t ask. Just come and pick me up before Fury gets on my ass. Again.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

You know, it’s really hard to look at mother and the All-Father in the eye during mealtimes when I know I’ve licked ham glaze off your broad chest.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Nick Fury

To: Maria Hill

 

Question: how do I tell SHIELD staffers with a crush on me that, yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for upgraded level clearances?

 

 

*

 

 

From: Tony Stark  
To: Pepper Potts

 

Steve helped me in organizing my lab and then gave me the best blowjob of my entire life. He is The One, Pep! Make arrangements to get those engagement ring schematics done in Amsterdam right now.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Bruce Banner

To: Tony Stark

 

Okay, why are there Post-It notes all around the Avengers Tower labeled where you and Steve had sex and in what position?

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Bruce Banner

 

Uhm… For science?

 

From: Bruce Banner

To: Tony Stark

 

Right. Science.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

You came down from the Bifrost to your precious Avengers Tower residence saying you were “dressed to impress”.

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

WHAT WAS I WEARING? I DO NOT RECALL.

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

Nothing. I’ve heard Heimdall needed to cleanse his all-seeing eyes from what you just showed him.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Pepper Potts

 

God bless America! And by that, I mean I love a particularly adorable and awkward super soldier with baby blue eyes, perfectly parted blond hair, body like a fucking Greek god, a heart of gold, and a giant cock hard with justice for my ass. Happy 4th of July, Pep!

 

 

*

 

 

From: Pepper Potts

To: Tony Stark

 

What the hell happened to the garden in the Malibu mansion, Tony?

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Pepper Potts

 

Uhm, well… Bruce and I got high on shrooms and we were on the large wicker hammock while we were getting fucked up. We pretended to be skydiving for hours, then I made the mistake of telling Bruce his parachute wasn’t going to open and so… yeah.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Tony Stark; Steve Rogers; Bruce Banner; Clint Barton; Natasha Romanoff; Pepper Potts

 

Attention, worthless mortal friends of my brother: Thor’s birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex for him with you as the chosen bottoms. Send me your availabilities ASAP. Time slots begin at noon.

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

Reserve the noontime slot for me and Steve. We’ll bring the lube.

 

From: Steve Rogers

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

Uhm. I think Tony already booked us for noon, I believe. In any case, we appreciate your really thoughtful gift, Loki.

 

From: Bruce Banner

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

Not sure if the Other Guy is up for bottoming, but put me down for 2 P.M.

 

From: Clint Barton

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

4 P.M. Just know that I am doing this for Thor and not for you. And that I am straight.

 

From: Natasha Romanoff

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

6 P.M. You are going to regret making this offer after I’m done with your brother.

 

From: Pepper Potts

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

8 P.M. I have faith your brother still has the stamina to fuck me after going through all of his teammates first.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID, BROTHER! I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DID SUCH A DIRTY TRICK ON MY BIRTHDAY!

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

Illusions, Thor! A trick is something a quim does for money!

 

 

*

 

 

From: Natasha Romanoff

To: Pepper Potts

 

Girls’ night out?

 

From: Pepper Potts

To: Natasha Romanoff

 

Oh God, yes please! So what are we doing?

 

From: Natasha Romanoff

To: Pepper Potts

 

I just wanna dance tonight. I just wanna grind my ass in some random man’s dick.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Bruce Banner

 

LOL remember the time we got so fucked up wasted that we ended up at McDonald’s and when you got your McNuggets box, you KNEW there was an extra piece simply by feeling the weight of it?

 

From: Bruce Banner

To: Tony Stark

 

Like it was yesterday :-D

 

 

*

 

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

I’m partying with a herd of bilgesnipes naked right now. You don’t even want to know.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Clint Barton

To: Tony Stark

 

Fucking A Dude!

 

From: Clint Barton

To: Tony Stark

 

Wait. I meant: Fucking A, Dude!

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Clint Barton

 

Whew! That comma really made all the difference there, man.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Maria Hill

To: Natasha Romanoff

 

Question: What kind of dress should I wear to the annual SHIELD new recruits mixer that says, “Even though my rank is higher than the rest of you, I’m still up for hot sex.”?

 

 

*

 

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

BROTHER STOP CHANGING THE ALARM SOUND ON MY COMMUNICATION DEVICE. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS TO EXPLAIN TO THE ALL-FATHER WHEN HE HEARD YOUR VOICE FROM MY DEVICE SCREAMING “YES THOR! FUCK ME! FUCK ME HARDER, BROTHER YES!”

 

 

*

 

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Steve Rogers

 

I miss your penis. And I’m totally saying this as a good friend. I just miss it because it’s great. You should be very proud of it.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Clint Barton

To: Natasha Romanoff

 

What is the protocol for seeing two SHIELD agents you’ve recently slept with in a convenience store while buying condoms?

 

From: Natasha Romanoff

To: Clint Barton

 

Threesome, obvs.

 

From: Clint Barton

To: Natasha Romanoff

 

You’re right. Stupid question.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Pepper Potts

To: Bruce Banner

 

So, how was boys’ night out with Tony yesterday?

 

From: Bruce Banner

To: Pepper Potts

 

Oh, we got high and had our usual talk about quantum physics and other nerd stuff. Then I tried to call the Monster Energy Drink company and convinced them why the Other Guy should be their brand ambassador. I just got an email from them saying they’re interested in getting me as an endorser.

 

From: Pepper Potts

To: Bruce Banner

 

You do know this means I’m getting a discount buying those drinks by virtue of being your friend, right?

 

 

*

 

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Steve Rogers

 

Also, I want to fuck your beautiful patriotic hole with a Captain America popsicle till it melts and then eat it out of you.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

POP TARTS WITH THIS INCREDIBLE WHITE SUBSTANCE MIDGARDIANS CALL CREAM CHEESE. IT IS BLOWING MY MIND.

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

How high are you right now?!

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

I MICROWAVED IT! SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT! SWEET FLYING VALKYRIES BROTHER, YOU HAVE GOT TO TRY THIS REMARKABLE CONFECTION!

 

 

*

 

 

From: Clint Barton

To: Pepper Potts

 

How do you say, “Fuck me and leave bruises” in Russian?

 

 

*

 

 

From: Steve Rogers

To: Tony Stark

 

Wow. I just went to MoMA today, and there was this woman who slept in a glass box in the lobby.

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Steve Rogers

 

#1. She is NOT Snow White.

#2. Do not look for seven dwarves.

#3. If you attempt to kiss her awake, I am revoking your blowjob privileges.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Natasha Romanoff

To: Pepper Potts

 

I am officially boycotting relationships. From now on: hello random hookups and treating men like meat.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Bruce Banner

 

I can’t believe you drank a full bottle of vodka mixed with green tea last night and didn’t Hulk out.

 

From: Bruce Banner

To: Tony Stark

 

I should probably sell that amazing mix. The tagline for the ad could be, “Hulk’s Green Tea Vodka. Antioxidating while intoxicating. Your liver will thank you.”

 

 

*

 

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

LOL you were so drunk last night that when you dropped your Pop-Tarts on the floor, you just lay next to them and wailed like a desperate trollop. A video I posted of it has now gone viral on YouTube.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Steve Rogers

To: Pepper Potts

 

I just caught Tony masturbating to a picture of me.

 

From: Pepper Potts

Ny To: Steve Rogers

 

And this is surprising because…?

 

From: Steve Rogers

To: Pepper Potts

 

It was a picture of me dressed in one of Tony’s Iron Man suits, Pepper.

 

From: Pepper Potts

To: Steve Rogers

 

Oh Steve sweetheart. You of all people should know by now that Tony is narcissistic and loves to stroke his own ego.

 

 

*

 

From: Tony Stark

To: Pepper Potts

 

So we just walked out of a kebab place in London still in uniform after our standard post-mission chowtime and this double-decker bus filled with shirtless guys and girls in bikinis passed by us and screamed, “WE FUCK SUPERHEROES AS GRATITUDE FOR SAVING THE WORLD!” Needless to say, debriefing with Fury back at SHIELD headquarters took longer than expected.

 

From: Pepper Potts

To: Tony Stark

 

Glad to hear your career choice has been officially validated.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

BROTHER, WHY DID I WAKE UP NAKED AND TIED TO THE ROOF THIS MORNING?

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

It was easier than trying to explain to your drunk arse that you couldn’t fly without the help of Mjolnir.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Pepper Potts

To: Natasha Romanoff

 

Tony just handed me a box full of custom-made silk underwear in colors that flattered my skin tone from La Perla and said, “You look like shit when you wear those basic Victoria’s Secret crap. You’ll get laid more if you wear these.” Its times like these when I count myself lucky to have a billionaire gay BFF and I’m his favorite fag hag.

 

 

*

 

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

BUT BROTHER, CAPTAIN AMERICA AND THE MAN OF IRON WENT APPLE PICKING IN MIDGARD! WHY CAN’T WE DO SUCH ROMANTIC EXCURSIONS LIKE THAT? LET’S GO TO IDUNN’S ORCHARD RIGHT NOW!

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

Because we are not romantic, oh foolish brother of mine. We are shameless incestuous siblings. And shameless incestuous siblings do not go apple picking.

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

BUT. BUT YOU ARE ADOPTED! WE ARE NOT EVEN RELATED BY BLOOD!

 

From: Loki Laufeyson

To: Thor Odinson

 

Semantics, you sentimental fool. We are not going to steal apples from Idunn’s orchard. End of story. Now if you insist upon this ridiculous idea one more time, don’t expect you’re going to fuck my tight Jotun arse until Ragnarok arrives. Am I making myself clear?

 

From: Thor Odinson

To: Loki Laufeyson

 

ALRIGHT FINE. YOU WIN.


End file.
